Who I am

Hello, I'm Chris Burch. You may remember me from such bands as Staff of Ramen, Plastic Coyotes, Minnie Driver's Moustace, The White River Rollers, and my brief stint as the backstage guitar player from that tour where Nickelback was too strung out to play their own instruments live. Since then, I've toured hamburger stands all over the world as a solo artist, and my version of Wonderwall is definitely better than yours. Basically, I'm awesome.


Stuff I do

I set up this site in order to impart my massive wisdom and talent to people like you, because, let's face it some of you need to hear some things that your friends are too nice to tell you.

  • Song Critique

    For a mere five bucks, I will, in my own inimitable style, tell you why your song makes my teeth itch.

    URL of Track to Be Critiqued
  • EP Consultation

    For fifteen bucks, I will listen to your EP (up to five songs) and explain the merits of a cohesive vision and why you shouldn't have made all of those songs sound the same. There are key's other than G-major you know.

    URL of EP to Be Consulted On
  • Album Review

    For thirty dollars, I will force myself to listen to the first ten tracks of your album, and in as much detail as possible, tell you why it's bad, and why you should feel bad for making me listen to it.

    URL of Album to Be Reviewed
  • Guitar Lesson

    Finally, for the low price of $200, I will, using my patented "Burch Methodology" ™, teach you the proper way to play Wonderwall or the Nirvana song of your choice. Due to the current Covid situation, this must be done via Skype, as I don't really want to be in the same room as you.

    Enter Your Skype ID

Artists Who Have Come Seeking My Advice in the Past

(Insert tracks and reviews here.)